Category: Mama Jem

It was a Saturday and I was expecting guests the next afternoon to celebrate my 6-week old baby. I was staring at a tray of cake crumbs stuck together with blobs of icing. They were supposed to be Petit fours. I had followed Martha Stewart’s step-by-step instructions in a book on loan from the library.

But these didn’t look anything like the photos. These weren’t even these. They were a big pile of this.

Mom listened as I poured out my dilemma to her over the phone. I had several other dishes to serve, but this was going to be the showstopper. The ooh and ahh moment of the buffet table.

It was at that moment that my amazing mom calmly told me how to fix it.

She said, “Take a spoon and the dish into Russ and tell him to enjoy it.”

Then she asked, “Do you know the difference between hospitality and entertaining?”

I didn’t yet, but I was about to find out.

I don’t remember her exact words, but I have never forgotten the idea. Entertaining is about making yourself look important, hospitality is about making the other person feel important.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could tell you that from that point on I “got it”?

Alas, that would be as far from the truth. The truth is, I’m still getting it. It is still so easy to get caught up in hosting the perfect get-together. Impeccably cooked food on an elaborate table with all of the right guests. Everything would be served at the perfect temperature with no stress and a perma-grin plastered on my face.

What I can tell you is I have learned (for the most part) to keep it simple. That doesn’t mean I’m never daring. What it means is when I try new things, they don’t take too long and they don’t use a lot of ingredients.

Saturday morning, we invited some friends over for dinner and firepit in the yard that night. When they accepted, I threw a casual tablecloth on the outdoor table and wove a table runner through some paper lanterns. Grabbing some pork chops out of the freezer to thaw, I paired them with a peach/mango/habanero sauce and we were ready to go.

While everyone else sat around the fire, I ran into the kitchen. I quickly whipped up a berry cobbler, stuck it in a cast iron skillet and set it on the fire. It took forever to cook. We all took turns trying to solve the mystery of an outdoor cobbler in between telling each other our stories.

The cobbler never really got done. We finally gave in and dished it up. It was still delicious, albeit imperfect. What was perfect was the fun we had. The memories we made added to this new friendship. It built relationship, which is what having people over should be all about.

As we were putting things away that night, I remarked to my husband, “It’s fun to do just enough for people to feel special but not so stuffy that no one is comfortable.” It was one of those moments that I know would have made Mom smile.

It made me smile, too.

(This was originally posted at The News Review website)

I don’t know any parent who doesn’t at some level want to raise their children to be quality individuals.

We want them to be smart, funny and loved. More than anything I hope you want them to be kind.

But kindness isn’t something you can’t teach, it has to be learned and what we want them to learn, we must model with actions. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that words aren’t important, they’re vital.

Even more than the words we say to our children, it’s the words we say around our children.

Our words and deeds towards others shape how our children value others. They influence friends and others we share time with and they cause some to see things in a way they never imagined.

Wednesday of this week was the “Spread the Word to End the Word” day. The Word I am referring to is known to many in the special needs community as “the r-word” as in “retard” or “retarded”.

You see, with a child who has intellectual disabilities, those words have been used to to diminish her value and the worth of other innocent souls like our Allison.

I’ve heard some defend the use by saying it’s clinical or it’s appropriate because it means “slow” but when you are using it to mean something is stupid or foolish, there is no other way than to connect it to it’s original use in the term “mental retardation”.

There is no defense in using this word. It’s not funny or clever at all. It’s hurtful and it stigmatizes the most gentle, innocent people here on earth.

The r-word has it’s cousins too. When you jokingly say someone “rides the short bus” it’s offensive to those families whose only option is that bus. You are making fun of the entire population who live every day with special needs.

Speaking of special needs, when you make motions as if you have a developmental disability and proclaim “I’m special!” there is no excuse. You are without a doubt insulting our family members.

My friends, these are those things that alienate our families in a world that already feels ill fitting and lonely. I never want to make someone feel awful so I don’t say anything when I hear it said. Most likely I will just cringe and become quiet as I wrestle in my head whether or not I should let you know that your words hurt.

We already feel on the outside as you talk about birthday parties she was never invited to, Easter Egg hunts that were inaccessible and events for her peers in upstairs rooms that her wheelchair doesn’t reach.

We sometimes have to search for a parking space wide enough and far away from the building to get her into her wheelchair because some folks don’t observe the rules for handicap spaces. I’ve been told that it shouldn’t be a special privilege (I’ll save that argument for another day).

We don’t need inaccessible attitudes swirling around us. We need respect and friends we can trust with our hearts. (In case you wonder, I am blessed with more of those friends than I deserve.)

If you want to teach your children to be kind, then be kind.
If you want your children to know respect, then show respect.
If you want others to know they are loved then love others.

You see, my family is in love with a special girl, whose diagnosis reads “mental retardation” and she rides a bus to school that just happens to be short and she’s taught us more about all of those things than anyone will ever know.

This article first appeared at NRTODAY.COM